


Wish That You Were Here

by inbatcountry17



Series: Wish That You Were Here [1]
Category: Deus Ex (Video Games), Deus Ex: Mankind Divided
Genre: Introspection, M/M, Near Death Experiences, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-29
Updated: 2016-10-01
Packaged: 2018-08-18 12:49:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 1,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8162588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inbatcountry17/pseuds/inbatcountry17
Summary: Miller misses his family.





	1. Always On My Mind

**Author's Note:**

> Kind of based off of 'Wish That You Were Here' by Florence + The Machine.

He should be sleeping. With Jensen in the Utulek Complex and MacReady getting nowhere with the Dubai investigation now would be the perfect time to catch a few hours of shuteye. The first in almost two days, and with everything going on he didn’t know when he’d get the opportunity again.

Instead he was staring at the divorce papers dwelling on how quiet the apartment was. Even with Cassan’s droning voice forever in the background.

If he concentrated hard enough he could almost imagine the sounds of his children playing. Pretend that more than just their picture were upstairs, and they weren’t a world away in Australia.

He squeezed his eyes shut. Imagined Neil sitting on the couch watching the news. Susie was healthy, and Ethan was coloring on the walls. Imagined that he wasn’t alone in the apartment Interpol had given when he took the job.

His phone rang, and reality reasserted itself.

It was Chikane on the other end telling him that Jensen had found another way into ARC territory. The mission was back on track. Miller hung up without so much as an acknowledgment. It was clear he wasn’t going to get any sleep, and he didn’t want to spend another second in his nice, clean apartment devoid of his children’s toys and Neil’s clutter. All the things that used to drive him insane he now missed so fucking much.


	2. Cold

Prague was too cold. So much so that he bundled up in layers, and tried to pretend that the weather didn’t bother him. The first day in the city he had made the mistake of only wearing a standard business suit. Trying not to shiver was a test of will he hadn’t meant to put himself through.

When he was cold, he longed for the heat. When he longed for the heat, he thought of home. Home made him think of Neil and the kids. That made him think of his divorce, which made him think of how his daughter was in pain and he wasn’t there for her. Which made him remember that was his own goddamn fault. He put his work before his family, and his husband decided enough was enough.

Ironically the best way to take his mind off of it all was to bury himself deeper in work than he ever had before. It helped that Prague was crawling with terrorists that gave him plenty to do so on a daily basis.

If he stopped to think for even a minute his mind would turn back to his family. It felt like drowning.


	3. Orders

Jim Miller wasn’t drunk. Not quite. The fact that he could be called back into the office at any second would make that irresponsible. But he had been drinking.

He was trying to trace back to the point where his life officially became _Complicated_. Military life had always been simple. Follow orders, and do a good job. That was all that was required from him. It was so easy he wondered why it was such a fucking problem for some people.

Thanks to Joseph Manderley he had a pretty damn good idea now.

But no, that wasn’t the start. It was probably when he fell in love. He didn’t mean that in bad way. It was purely introspective. He fell so deep in love he got married and they made a family together…and he continued to follow orders without argument. He had carried on like nothing had changed.

He always signed back on with the SAS when his tours were winding down. He didn’t argue when they asked him to skip leave to remain on duty because he was the best sniper on the base. It was a wonder why he was surprised when Neil demanded a divorce.

There was nothing he could do. He tried to argue (finally, but to the wrong person). It hadn’t amounted to anything. It was far too late to fix it.

A few months later the brass was telling him he was too old to be in the field any longer. When Interpol approached him with the position for director in a European division he nearly jumped at the chance. He couldn’t stand to be so close, yet so far from his family. A change of scenery would do him good.

So he thought.


	4. Susie

Susie was sick and he was scared. It was a black feeling of dread in his gut that even burying himself in work was starting not to help. Neil’s constant reminders in spite of their lawyer’s insistence on radio silence wasn’t helping.

Simple augmentation would fix what was wrong, but all he had to do was take a look outside to see why that was a problem.

Australia wasn’t as bad as Prague when it came to Aug Rights, but it could be very soon. Neil didn’t get it that. He’s never seen the Utulek Complex. Never seen the hoops and red tape it took to get an Aug proper permits. How hard it was to get even an Interpol agent safe passage through the city. Neil didn’t see Augs being beaten, or arrested for bullshit charges. He didn’t see the police reports for the rising amount of Aug murders, if they even bothered to file the reports. Thinking that Susie could be just one more person brutalized in the street was goddamn horrifying.

If she didn’t get the augmentation she would lose the ability to walk and be left in chronic pain for the rest of her life.

But if she did get the augs friends could become tormentors. Police would become monsters. Kindness, a rare gift. She’d be constantly looking over her shoulder. Susie would _still_ be in pain.

Neil didn’t get that he was asking him to choose which kind of agony to put their daughter through. Unless things changed Susie’s future was a bleak one. The very thought made him sick to his stomach.


	5. Long Enough For A Man To Think On His Sins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So originally I wrote this whole fic and was going to post it all at one time. Then I decided I disliked the way I wrote the last few chapters. I ended up rewriting them a few times. I'm still not satisfied, but I'm sick of staring at them.

He was fast discovering that the Orchid was not a quick death. It felt like every nerve was on fire, and he could barely move. Not even to open his comm. to warn Jensen and MacReady.

During the civil war he had gotten over his fear of death. You had to if you didn’t want to be petrified on every deployment. Snipers had to be calm, decisive. Shaking hands, either out of adrenalin or fear could fuck up a shot. That could get people killed.

No fear. All that mattered was your rifle, your target, and your mission.

The mission was still the most important thing, but as he lay there he couldn’t help but think about what he was leaving behind. Susie, Ethan, Neil...

Neil could move on. He should. He deserved to find someone who didn’t take him for granted. God the thought of it hurt every bit as bad as the Orchid doing its work, but Neil deserved to be happy. Even if it wasn’t with him.

Neil would find someone else who would be there for him and the kids. Someone who treated them right. Susie and Ethan were young, they could forget the man who was never there and move on. They could have a father that wasn’t such a fucking coward when it came to things that really mattered.

This…this might be for the best.

The door creaked open. A tiny part of him hoped it was one of the terrorists coming to finish him off early. This was fucking painful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cue Adam with the cure. Sometimes it's good having someone work for you who is a loose cannon. 
> 
> I think Miller believing that using the cure on him was a waste is MOSTLY due to wanting the mission to succeed, but I can't help but think a part of it is due to being exhausted with everything that was going on in his life. It's easy to be a fatalist when you're, you know, dying.


	6. Priorities

It took a bioweapon and a short hospital stay to finally allow him to get some of the rest his body was begging him for during the last few weeks. Through it all there was a question that nagged at him.

_Just what the fuck was he doing in Prague?_

Chasing terrorists? Yeah, maybe, but right now it looked an awful lot like running from his problems.

The divorce and custody papers were shoved aside to make room for resignation papers. The quicker he turned in his two-week notice the quicker he could be back in Australia, and the less likely he would back out. It was amazing how near death experiences can reshuffle your priorities.

He was drunk now, and fiddling with his phone. Not a great combination. The first thing he did was text his sister telling her that she was right. He did need to talk to someone. Just not a therapist. He wasn’t quite up to admitting he might need one at the moment. One thing at a time.

Admitting Collie was right wasn’t a bad thing. He wouldn’t regret it in the morning. What he was doing now though...

Neil either wasn’t awake—probable, it was passed midnight back home—or didn’t feel like talking to him. Also a distinct possibility. It didn’t really matter. He just wanted to explain _why_.

In a few rambling texts he was more open and honest than he had been in a long time. Somewhere in the back of his head he knew getting a bunch of drunken texts from your ex wasn’t exactly charming, but he had long since gone passed operating on logic.

The next morning he woke with a hangover and his phone going off telling him he had one new message.

_‘Goddamnit Jim. Just come home.’_

And then, almost as an after thought: _‘The kids miss you.’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have the distinct feeling Miller isn't going to be in the sequel much. At least he isn't going to be director. If he stayed they would have to record lines for two different TF29 directors. It would be easier on the developers to just remove him from the game. :(
> 
> Aaaaannnnywaaaaay, this is part of my headcanon that he heads home after the game to reconnect with his family.


	7. Epilogue

He didn’t know anyone who actually liked hospitals. Not even doctors like hospitals. If you were there you were either ill, or waiting to hear about someone who was ill.

Susie was in surgery. In an effort to ease the nervous tension building as more time passed he hugged his son tighter. Ethan had fallen asleep awhile ago. Out of the three of them he was the smartest.

Neil was sitting in the chair across from him staring into a cup of coffee that was probably long cold by now. Things between them weren’t resolved, not by a longshot, but they were talking. The divorce was on hold for now, at least for Susie’s sake. Their lawyers were throwing a fit, but he couldn’t find it in him to care all that much.

Jim had packed up and left Prague with two goals in mind. Try one more time to salvage his marriage, and just _be there_ for his kids. The world was a rotten place. One that was getting worse all the time. Ethan and especially Susie didn’t need to deal with their parents divorcing on top of everything else. Neil, as it turned out, thought the same. Had always thought the same.

_‘All I ever wanted was for you to be here with us, Jim.’_

When he originally went to Prague he thought it would be simple. He was used to being on his own. Had never minded it before. The job was exhausting, yes, but he had always taken a certain satisfaction to a mission well done. He was trying to make the world safer. That was something to feel good about.

The problem was that those in charge didn’t feel the same way. Jim was smart enough to know that if he wasn’t careful he could lose a lot more than just his life if he kept up with the game of shadows that was being played. Jensen’s relieved expression when he heard about his resignation spoke volumes.

He left Prague with more questions than answers, but he had gotten his warning. His second chance. He wasn’t about to squander it.


End file.
